I’d like to say that I always understood men, but that wouldn’t be true. Somewhere in my mid thirties I decided that they had something I needed and if I didn’t fully understand the man I was screwing or dating or working with that was okay. I understood my own needs and that was all that mattered. After a long seven year dry spell I met a coon-ass that would change my life forever. He told me at a critical point in my life that it was okay to embrace my sexuality. We met on a chilly November day in Mississippi. I was reading a book of poetry and he came up to my desk and said “you look real sweet reading your little book, but you look to me like you need to take a walk on the wild side.” A line. Yes. I knew then that it was a line, but the sexual chemistry between was as thick as a slice of my mother’s butter pound cake and being from Louisiana and living in Mississippi I was starved for a man with the spontaneity and passion that men in Mississippi lacked. Kind of explains the dry spell when I think on it now. Hmmm… Why I was living there is another story. So, the day came that I told him I’d meet him after work. I felt ashamed of myself and exhilarated for being weak. I was giving in to him and myself. The truth was I wanted to be ravaged by a man that could make me wet with just the sound of his voice. “It will be an escape.” I told myself. I needed to escape from my daily routine. Three jobs. Single motherhood. Past mistakes. Disappointments. Also, no matter how hard I worked I could never get ahead. He was right. I needed to take a walk on the wild side and he was just the man to show me the way. I just wanted him to drive for a few moments so that I might, hopefully feel free again. So, I told him that I was ready. He said “I had just about given up on you. It’s been nearly three months since I first approached you.” We decided on a local hotel and drove separately there for our tryst. He got the room and I came in after he was settled and ready inside. I was so out of practice. Anxious doesn’t describe what I was feeling. I knew I needed to do this and luckily, he was a gentle and sympathetic kind of guy and suggested I take a warm shower in order to prepare myself. I turned on the shower and stepped in. I didn’t feel like a woman. In fact, I remember feeling kind of numb as the water ran down my body. I didn’t know him and one night stands weren’t my cup of tea. Obviously I’ve gotten over this. ;) However, here I was breaking my own rules because I seriously needed to feel something else. I was trying to connect with the girl I used to be. I showered. I joined him on the bed and he began to kiss me softly. He smelled great. He felt great. I wanted to devour him and drown in his newness. He had really big strong hands and they were all over me. We were sexually in sync and it was like we had been fucking for years. I matched him stroke for stroke. I arched my back and pushed myself up into him so that he thrusted deeply inside me. At some point I was on top and realized that I didn’t remember how I got there. I leaned over him, stuck my tongue in his mouth and began grinding him. As he came I remember exhaling as he screamed in orgasm. I didn’t cum, but it didn’t matter. I got what I wanted. I was desired by a man I was attracted to and for a little while we were the only two people on earth. He told me he was surprised and didn’t realize that I would be so passionate. I dressed quickly because I needed to get home and be a mom again. I thanked him and we said good bye. As I headed towards the door I turned around and looked at him. He lay there on the bed with the covers up to his chest. He looked so vulnerable. He had really connected with me. That takes guts. He said “are you going to call me?” I was stunned. It was one of those moments when you realize something about yourself. With a simple question my life was changed and I knew I would be heading down a different path. I replied “You want me to call you?” Then I said “I’m the man!” He blushed. I realized my power as a woman. I said to him “this is what it feels like to be the man.” I didn’t care if called me back or if he’d even speak to me at again. This was just one of those things and I was good with that. Think like a man. Go with the flow. Keep your emotions in check. Every conquest doesn’t have to end with true love. God! My generation of girls was sold the whole get married and have kids fantasy. It was a relief to leave that notion behind. I understood him and men and myself all in one moment. Papillon is French for butterfly. I became a butterfly in that hotel room. I spread my wings and a new me was born. They say butterflies are free. So am I.