Being honest with yourself is the first step in healing. I have days when I feel like my job is controlling me rather than me being in control. The how’s and why’s of what I do on a daily basis are as complex as the client’s who keep coming back regularly. It’s good to talk to someone about your perceived addiction and I think about going to a counselor or maybe drop in on a sex addict’s meeting just to not feel alone. The idea of me attending any group always makes me sigh because my mother was a guidance counselor and she always said “we can talk about your feelings til the cows come home, but you still have to get up and go to work the next day.” She’s saying you have to do it yourself. Or, at least that’s what I’ve always hoped this is what she meant. Who knows? I might just learn something. This is me at a sex addicts meeting:
The scene is somber and somewhat boring. A group of people sit in a fellowship hall of a church with masks, six feet apart as the head addict addresses them. Let’s call him Walter for this story. The other addicts in attendance are Joey, Susan, Antonio, Buffy, Mike and Ted.
Walter: Hello all. As you know Bill won’t be with us anymore. He is going away for a while to get better and maybe get a fresh start. After he had the accident he sort of lost his will to live. Let’s hope he gets the help he needs. Who’d like to speak first?
Susan mumbles to Antonio something about Bill being in a retreat or “home” or something. I’m hoping someone will tell me what the accident was that put Bill out of commission. My mind is racing with the possibilities. Sex addiction can lead to accidents? Wow!
Joey rises.
Joey: I’ve had a good week. I didn’t go out to the bars because of Covid and I wanted to practice a little restraint. I mean. I look at Tinder and I swipe right when I see a hot chick, but I’m a little afraid to meet someone with the virus still breaking records. Don’t want to be a super spreader and wind up killing my grandmother. Am I right? Or, am I right?
There’s a light chuckle in the room. Then Ted rises to speak.
Ted: Well.. I won’t beat around the bush. Please pardon the pun. I slept with my ex wife again. I know. I know. I was dropping off the kids and she asked if I’d like some dinner. One thing lead to another and I had her on top the washing machine with the door closed and a sock in her mouth. She keeps looking so good and she’s starved for attention. It feels good to be desired by her again. What can I say?
Susan rises to speak.
Susan: I had a relapse as well. The pool man was at the house Wednesday and he sort of walked in on me sunbathing naked. Now, the kids we’re still at school and I was alone. It’s almost like I felt compelled to do it with him because I was already naked and he’s such a sweet young guy. I think I felt like he deserved it. Oh! Who am I kidding? I needed it, but I’m so ashamed. Darn this Catholic upbringing! They want you to have as many kids as possible, but you can’t feel good about having the sex.
As she sits down she wipes a tear from her eye. I guess she’s lonely and her husband, from what I’m gathering isn’t the most affectionate. It’s mighty hard to be a neglected wife.
Walter: We all know that that’s a big no, no. Ted I can understand where you’re coming from, believe me, I’ve been there, but when a relationship is dead having sex with an ex is just like eating junk food. It fills you temporarily, but doesn’t enhance your relationship as parents and leaves you feeling empty once you head home. Susan try not to feel too bad. You’re only human and we can always start fresh tomorrow. Who hasn’t spoken yet? Jilly? You’ve been quiet. Would you like to speak?
I rise and brace myself for just about anything that could be said or happen once I start talking. I remind myself to breathe in for four seconds and out for eight.
Jilly: Hello. I’m Jilly and I believe I am a sex addict.
Everyone: Hi Jilly.
Jilly: Hi. I’ve never been in therapy or attended any meetings for this before. How do I put this?
I scan the room and see the faces of my fellow pervs. Susan has composed herself now and is rummaging around in her purse. Mike seems like a friendly guy and is paying attention from what I can tell. Ted is chewing on a nail and seems so tense I can feel it ten feet away. He looks like he could use some sexual relief. Nope! Don’t look at the men in here as to whether they’d be a good client or not. Not here! Jesus! I need help. I must look nuts standing in front of them all waiting to be judged.
Walter: Just say what’s on your heart. It’s easy and you’re in a safe place. Just relax.
Mike: You won’t say anything we haven’t heard before. You’re among friends. Go ahead Jilly.
Now isn’t that sweet? Aww. How thoughtful. I decide then and there that Walter and Mike would be good clients because I’m out of control and can’t stop rating men for sport. I’m out of control! For the love of God! Come on Jilly!!!
Jilly: I think this year has shown me many things about myself that I didn’t have time to slow down and realize in past years. I have had a bad year financially and personally. It feels like I’m changing some and I want to be more in control of my emotions and finances. The family thing is tense, but it will handle itself in time. So, for the first time in decades I feel like I’m able to really focus on me.
Walter: Well said Jilly. I think we all can agree that 2020 has given us all some unforeseen challenges. Although that was a lovely intro it doesn’t help us get to know you with such a general assessment of this year. Do you want to keep talking?
I take a big gulp and just let it flow. What have I got to lose? I might pick up a few clients here. No!!!! Stop that! You are here to learn about yourself and not bounce up and down on Walter in his car after the meeting. See what I mean about the job controlling me?
